9:34 pm (eastern time)
I just ate six hard boiled eggs, because I boiled a whole carton of them (12 eggs) I even laughed after finishing the last one because I felt so good haha,... I didn’t even realize I was hungry either, unfortunately/fortunately! The rest are in the fridge now. Thankfully!
I live above a great watering hole, and bar in Cobalt, Ontario, Canada… named the Miner’s Tavern, if you don’t live here, it’s your own fault.
I’m currently sober, I have a history of crack cocaine use, white powder use (various types sold as other various types which are cut with other various types) speed and pills, and booze and alcohol, and cigarettes were the love of my life but I let that love go, the year prior to my daughter being born, funny enough, to the actual day, October 17th. She will be 2 next month, I’ll be smoke free 3…. Pack and a half, quit cold turkey, put that in your pipe and smoke it! but don’t, cause that may start your addiction back up! Alcohol was a few months after cigarettes, but I didn’t set a date on the cessation.
I used to smoke weed often enough too, I should mention. Magic Mushrooms and LSD as well were used quite often growing up. Also I should mention adrenaline? The procured kind instead of the ingestible kind I guess. “causing a ruckus” I used to call it back in the day.
Sober, does not include my use of psychiatric medications, so technically I AM on some sort of substance, but please omit this from my current, and previous and future statement.(s)
Please continue reading after these dots… … . .
“LOVE” should be what we all strive to achieve to even have the chance and ability to witness in this shitshow of a goddamn awful and utterly horrible and destitute travelling orb of a rock, or what we perceive to be truth in a reality that turns out to be amazingly huge and so goddamningly BEAUTIFUL, in so many facets, that it’s a joy, just to show up *or be allowed even the chance and privilege* to show up each horrible day of pain mixed with joy, and we are lucky if we can get a muted version of either, and ultimately we won’t be able to tell each other apart without their comparison. Let me rephrase that: no joy, no pain… or ok…. Like this, all joy= actually no joy…. because you’ll realize even the statement…” it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never LOST at all” makes sense.
Here’s a synopsis of my life (which may be longer than this train of thought you are currently reading)
Young kid, happy, affluent, educated well, good marks and all that, English parents, but I was educated in my hometown’s French Catholic system and thankfully I can still communicate in this great language of ours, also being akin and witness to this French culture here in Northern Ontario was a blessing.
I will say so of Ojibway and Algonquin culture, and Cree culture, also Mohawk…. Culture, that I can say is a goddamn privilege to me, and a blessing as well! honestly, and not many white kids grew up the way I did here, or elsewhere for that matter. I will also mention that because I was affluent, and all my buds, and most of my school was working class if not more financially worse off, it was me who was the butt of jokes, because I was the one that stood out. I should say here there is no qualms against that, however a lesson is that, NO MATTER WHAT, kids will find something to get you with. And if they know it bugs ya, they’ll bug ya more. Kinda like the nickname you get because you hate it, and then when they realize you like it, it ain’t your nickname anymore, because well, there could be an anthropology analysis I need not pursue *because my analysis should already be evident@!* haha
Now, going to Africa at age 11, in the country of Ghana, traveling to a town named “wa” (translation is ‘come’ in degare) …. Somewhere near here I saw a chief’s or man of high statures burial, they put him on a scaffold with his quiver of arrows, his gourde, he was the most decorated man at the event, and there was a lot of Pitoh drunk, which I can still remember the taste and it was excellent! Kind of like a bitter sweet beer, possibly made with honey, I can’t remember, and I drank it out of gourd shells, and there is like a cool way to make an offering with the last of it in your cup, and make it hit the ground in a cool fashion. My first funeral was the Wife of a Chief of Teme-Augama first nation (please forgive if I misspelled that) when I was maybe six years old or seven years old.
My mom told me a lot of folks in Ghana mentioned to her I had a better attitude than most white kids who visited. I think because I actually saw these guys as cool guys, and friends… and I wasn’t Classist, or probably Racist. These other white kids who visited may have been, even without consciously knowing.
Ok, funny enough, I’m currently wearing a wooden cross from a Catholic Church in Wa, Ghana. It’s cool, and I’m ok with wearing it, even though the Catholic Church has done Much Wrong, this token was given to me, and I can and will wear it with pride (for now).
I’ve never been more grateful to be alive because technically I’ve died probably under 20 times. And also, technically, I haven’t ‘died’ because I am here writing this article that you are currently reading, correct?
Ok…. Here’s an abbreviation in those near death experiences not including the most current ones or recent ones.
Loss of blood from a psychosis out west in the rockies…. 2002, Loss of blood, after trying to climb out of a broken window that I smashed from frustration, I lacerated an artery, and was taken by ambulance to Calgary tranquilized for being psychotic by either the police or ambulance who arrived at the scene… I came ‘to’ with nurses putting a catheter in to see if I had narcotics in my urine, and I can still feel the euphoria of these angels providing the most excellent feeling of release of pee from my cock, probably ever.
I was institutionalized then released then institutionalized many more times, before my last stint in a psychiatric ward which in fact was in North Bay, Ontario in 2005, and this facility has since been torn down. i had gotten into a truck accident (as a passenger) four months prior, and had gotten a fractured skull, and a subdural hematoma (a bleed in my brain) I kinda still currently have effects in my cognitive functioning, and in my short term memory, but I liken it to “boxer brain” and I have a lot of respect for George Foreman and I want to buy one of his cooking grills, however I carry some of his attributes, and NONE OF HIS FORCE BEHIND MY PUNCHES!! (so few and luckily for me they are few!)
Now, my last visit and stay at a psychiatric institution, I both ‘self’ admitted to the psychiatric ward, and then after I sought out legalities aspects from the patient advocate I self- released *against* their wishes, or the wishes of the administration of the north bay psychiatric establishment. It was about seven years of freedom that I used the recently vacated building on the hill in North Bay to record my solo album “already Been Where I was Goin’” 2011, because I had a memory of how cool the acoustics were in solitary confinement haha, speaking of which, I also broke out of a straightjacket, twice actually, when I was in solitary.
Now comes memories of a great prospective contender of a punk rock and roll band named Crank Radio during which I spent a great five years playing and performing with before my solo album was recorded… I may be safe saying 2005-2009… we played Here in Northern Ontario and Quebec. I could go back further to a band named Bayl that created a metaphorical wake in the punk scene that came up recently when folks in Brazil and Belgium and Montreal contacted me through my website email inquiring about buying some of our tapes... we broke up in 2000. I thought that was cool.
Anyway, I fought hard to achieve both post-secondary, despite dropping out of high school, in grade 12 and dropping out of my alternative high school probably three times, then dropping out of the college courses that I was actually excelling at, first a small business and entrepreneurship program in Northern College, then, a blacksmithing program a few years later, I began to audit or like work on projects instead of getting marked for, then finally I excelled and completed my college degree in Sculpture at Sir Sandford Fleming’s Haliburton School of The Arts. For the sake of sharing and talking/typing…. I got a grant for being mentally disabled that covered half of my tuition, then a big fee was covered with cd sales I saved, haha, it must have been funny me paying in crumpled tens and twenties and five dollar bills… I covered my O.S.A.P. loan with the sale of my products sculpture and art that I made during my schooling, and came out clean and square. In fact, not long after graduation, I was invited to speak in Mississauga, Ontario at an AGM for the Canadian Mental Health Association. And I’m such a dumbass, I didn’t even realize what the actual and literal term “keynote” meant till much later, however they were happy with my presentation from what I remember. I got to stay in a nice hotel as well, which was really cool.
I had been courting a great woman during this time, and I called her every night during college long distance with a tall can of beer after a long day of school. She was the first woman I can honestly say I told I Love you to, who wasn’t a relative and this is in my 29th year, and that I brought home to have dinner with my mom. I may have to admit there could have been a drunk version of these words shared in my late teens, however they were also on the phone I think, and I can remember passing out after.
I married her, her family, looked at her boy as one of my own, or as my family, which I still do. She gave birth to my daughter, Etta Mae. And I can honestly say, i still hold Hayley in a High Regard, I was faithful for six years, I’m pretty sure she was too, however, I bailed. And it sucks, but I’m still in the same town, but lowering the pressure in some of the struggles that we were facing. Ie… there ain’t only one thing to say became the reason why I currently live above a bar, and I don’t drink. However I am better off slightly because of it… and making that call, and decision, was one of the hardest things I have done, period.
Drowning sucks, collapsing sucks, simply grasping for life is incredibly tiresome, losing the ability to care for your child, losing your ability to reliably work or take care of your family, gaining a realization that I could and can die at any given moment, and then once the realization hits, that technically ‘there ain’t nothing that you can do compared to the actual will of who is making existence exist” well, that helps in a way. And it helped me too. But this whole shift and experience definitely changed me.
Now, nobody can know that they are gonna go, any second of any day, lose their job, lose their wife, lose their life, lose everything, and not kinda be somewhat “altered” from their happy go lucky, everything is hunky dorey, aspect of their character, right… however, once I put this in the back burner, things for my own well-being got better, and hopefully you reading this right now can maintain a less conscious view of your own mortality.
Anyway, I may realize it is 12:32 a.m. and I’ve been writing for around three hours. Time for bed,
hang on tight, to your ride, enjoy your companion, or who you have on your side, try not to hide. “nothing can be a cool hand” I think that was cool hand luke, a movie with Paul Newman, and also, having “nothing to lose” may become “ everything to gain” and for the sake of everything “don’t wait to hit bottom!!!!!” cause you’ll continue going down ad infinitum. And also, you’ll never get there. Ever. Dig your way up, stupid!! Haha, start now, and try to grasp any sort of positivity, or sense of care you can. Maybe ask for the ability to get care? Keep going too, ultimately, it ain’t up to you anyway, however it is only you who will wake up to either ‘go’ or ‘not go’ too… this presents as a conundrum or like a paradox maybe eh? We will explore that concept in another chapter that won’t get wrote, haha.
But I’ll continue to pursue this living, for living sake, because ultimately and universally it is an amazing spectacle, of just everything. And whether I share or not, will depend on who is listening.
Rock and roll,
Ps, 1;10 am after editing, I’m gonna send it to Patty now, 1:11, pretty cool.